Miscarriages and Hope?

Well...where to start?  I have sat down to write this post several times.  And each time, no words came.  Only tears.  I'm not great at sharing, whether that be my french fries or my feelings.  I hate being open because, if I'm being honest, I've been burned in the past.  I guess it's part 'who I am' and part defense mechanism.

But I also hate pretending everything is fine.  It's not.

Chances are, if you've seen me in the past few months, I've been mostly happy.  I probably smiled at you, waved at you, let you hug me, and replied "fine" or "good" or "well" to your question, 'How are you doing?"  But the truth is, I have (we have) been battling our greatest battle over the past 6-8 months.  I'm going to tell you about it, briefly, in this post.

I should start by telling you my lifelong desire, my deepest hope, was that I would be a Mommy.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I imagined 3-4 kids, finger painting, sandwiches on the beach, bike rides, park playing, sports watching.  I want(ed) to be the fun mom, the home-room mom, the team mom, the over-enthusiactic bleacher mom.  And God blessed me with a husband who fully supports my wanna-be mom statuses (though he only imagines 2 kids...).

When we initially decided to start our family back in 2013, I got pregnant really fast.  We were so happy, and also slightly shocked that it didn't take long for me to get pregnant.  I had morning sickness, I got to tell Warren he was going to be a dad and watch his face, I got to schedule my first Dr's appointment, I got to tell my parents and see the joy on their faces.  Then, all of the sudden, I was rushing to the Dr. for an emergency ultrasound due to spotting.  I was calling my husband and my mom in tears as I tried to drive myself to my appointment.  I was sitting in the ultrasound room seeing a very faint heartbeat.  I was being told I was going to miscarry.  I was sobbing in my old bedroom closet at my parents house.  I was (we were) devastated.  I was 11 weeks along - almost in the 'safe zone'.  Talk about a gut punch.

I won't recount the whole ordeal or all of my feelings.  I will tell you it took me a long time to process what was going on, both physically and emotionally.  I felt all the feelings.  I probably showed them all, too.  When we were ready, we decided to try again.  We didn't get pregnant for 14 months.  What the heck?  After a smattering of tests, I was put on some medication to try and help - I got pregnant 2 months later.  I cannot begin to tell you the anxiety/anticipation that led up to my first ultrasound at 6 weeks.  Fast forward 9 months later...Cooper!  A healthy, precious baby boy.

He was such a great baby.  He has been such a gift.

Fast forward to when Cooper was 10 months old - I got pregnant again!  We were eager to have kiddos close together.  And let's be honest, Cooper was such a good baby, we were ready to have another ASAP!  

BOOM.  Another miscarriage.  I found out about it and actually had the miscarriage right before my  31st birthday/Cooper's 1st birthday.  Talk about bad timing.  Talk about devastating.  Another gut punch.

That was it for me - 2 miscarriages was enough.  I was absolutely not going to try again.  This can't keep happening.  I feel this all too deeply.  It hurts too badly.  I can't keep going through this.  Why is God allowing this?  Why does this keep happening?  What is wrong with me?

I decided that I didn't want to try again.  It was all too hard.  It was all to real.  I told my family and friends that it would take God himself changing my heart if I ever wanted to try again.  So I prayed.  And I prayed.  And I prayed.  In fact, I'm sure I've never prayed so much in my life.

And then it happened.  And much quicker than I ever thought.  God changed my heart.  And for only the second time in my 31 years, I was certain I heard the Lord's voice telling me: "I'm not through.  You're not done.  Try again."

You didn't have to tell me twice.  Warren was surprised by my sudden change of heart.  So was I.  But here we go!  BOOM - pregnant.  Wow, that was fast!  Praise the Lord!

I can't even begin to tell you the peace and confidence I had in that pregnancy.  My prayers weren't fearful prayers, they were confident, hopeful prayers.  I just knew that since the Lord had spoken to me and changed my heart that this would work out.  "Lord, you wouldn't change my mind and instruct my heart to hurt me again.  I trust that."

Uh-uh.  BOOM.  Another miscarriage.  Just 2 months after my second miscarriage.  My third.  Whoa.  GUT freaking PUNCH.  God?  What is happening?  Why?   Hello?

I won't get into all the messy feelings, days of tears, endless questions and wonderings.  I will tell you, this one was hard.  HARD.  I felt betrayed, I felt like God misled me/led me directly into hurt again, I felt like maybe I didn't really hear the Lord.  Trust me, I felt it all.

Fast forward through all the messy parts, and we end up in the fancy office of a reproductive endocrinologist (IVF doctor) looking for answers.  We ran so many genetic tests, had a procedure to look at my uterus, ran even more labs.  I was hoping to hear that something was wrong and that we could fix it.  But we didn't hear that.  You know what we heard?  That I'm just unlucky and that I probably ovulate bad eggs more often than good ones.  If I get pregnant again, there is a 30% chance of miscarriage and a 70% chance of a live birth.  (I'm pessimistic...30% seems so high to me and that is basically all I could focus on.)

That left us with really no real solution.  Darn it.  I had such high hopes (after all, we were paying an insane amount for all of this testing, they should be able to tell us something worth while, right?).  

Fast forward a month, and we decide to proceed with the same medication I took to be able to get pregnant with Cooper.  (Getting pregnant is not my problem, but we were hopeful the medication would help several other pieces of the whole 'getting pregnant/staying pregnant' thing.)  At this point, I was almost mad that I couldn't keep a pregnancy - it seemed that I wanted to fight.  My fighting spirit was back and I was starting to trust the Lord again...and for some strange reason, I was hopeful again.  And we were pregnant again!  Thank you, Lord!

I'll skip all the events, because at this point they don't matter.  But BOOM.  Another miscarriage.  In fact, as I type this, I'm still going through it.  

Just typing, and admitting, that I've had 3 miscarriages in the past 6 months is devastating.  I've now had 4 in total.  It's so hard.  I can't even.

Why?  What on earth is happening?  Why does God keep allowing all this?  I know God is good, but where is His goodness?  I know he is faithful, but where is His faithfulness right now?  I know God is loving, but I sure don't feel loved.  They say 'joy comes in the morning' and 'there is a time for everything...a time for laughter...and a time for dancing' - but I'm not doing any of that.  When is it our time for joy?  When do we get to stop mourning and dance?  Not right now, I'll tell you that.  

Maybe I'm being selfish...maybe I'm just being human...maybe it's a little of both.

This is a trying time, y'all.  We are lost.  We are tired.  We are confused.  And I'm beginning to lose hope that I'll ever carry another baby.  And that kills me.  I'm not really a crier, and lately, I cry.  All the time.  I'm so, so deeply sad.  I've lost 4 babies.  I seem to have lost my joy along the way.

Can you do something for me?  Pray for me, for us.  I'm confident that I'll feel joyful again...right?   As a believer, I know trials come.  I know God is here with me.  I read recently (and I'm paraphrasing) that God didn't save Daniel from the lion's den...but He was right there with him.  In the den.  With him.

I hope in this season of loss, grief, and confusion that I can cling to the promises of God and use the Word to combat the lies we so easily can believe.  And I hope we come out the other side joyful and grateful for the pain.  Thank the Lord that sin and death have been conquered.  Thank the Lord that I was raised with and taught the TRUTH.  Thank the Lord for the HOPE that we can have through Jesus.

Right now I don't feel thankful.  I'm in the middle of the mess.  And I certainly don't feel hopeful.  But I've been taught the truth and I know the truth and I have friends and family that are praying the truth.

As for me, I pray that that hope pulls us through.  Oh Lord, pull us through.

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I'll leave you with a song that has greatly impacted me as of late.

"I Have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North

(VIDEO here)

"As I walk this great unknown,

Questions come and questions go.

Was there purpose for this pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear,

I want to trust that you are near.

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy.

I have this hope-

In the depth of my soul.

In the flood or the fire,

You're with me and You won't let go.

But sometimes my faith feels thin,

Like the night will never end.

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope-

In the depth of my soul.

In the flood or the fire,

You're with me and You won't let go.

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take.

You calm the storm when I hear You call my name

I still believe that one day I'll see Your face.

And I have this hope-

In the depth of my soul.

In the flood or the fire,

You're with me and You won't let go."